Opinion article by Duke of Shomolu, Joseph Edgar
A coup is a forceful overthrow of authority. It is usually very precise and deadly. If it succeeds, the perpetrators gain everything, including elevating their wives from the Army officers’ wives’ association to running initiatives like Better Life for Rural Dwellers and all sorts.
But where it fails, it’s the ultimate price. Not only those who were involved will have to pay but also those sitting in the beer parlor where it was hatched.
That day was on a Sunday. It was gloomy, and I knew something was about to happen.
I had woken up with no erection but didn’t worry since Dr Nwabuoku had said that at my age, I shouldn’t expect ‘stiffie’ on a daily basis.
So, I took Usman’s BP tea and made it a point to remember to take his s3x tea to aid ‘stiffie’ just in case.
Then I went to the group. The Duke Summit is our Republic, and I am the life president.
It is the most vibrant WhatsApp group in the country, pulling members from every sector.
Membership is diverse. From Femi Fani Kayode on one spectrum to Tunde Rahman – BAT’s media man to Aregbesola’s team through Dele Momodu, Rueben Abati and Magnus Onyibe.
We also have former Bank MDs and the highly respected Mr Kekere Ekun who chaired the Technical Committee on Privatisation and did a brilliant job pulling in some well respected right of centre views.
We also have some ordinary people like Osa, Olumide Ohunayo, and Ohimai complemented by Folarin and one APC guy that has contested several elections in Ogun State and have failed in all
Senators, House of Reps, investment bankers, and Ken, who was a top-notch adviser to a former British PM and also a top-notch adviser to a former PDP Chairman is also a powerful member.
I am a dictator. Worse than Mobuto. I brook no opposition, and my word is law on the group.
If you say a little word that I don’t like, suspension straight. No begging. I kick you out.
I once kicked out even my blood brother – Ernest. This was to send fear into the system. Na El Chapo gave me that advice on a recent visit.
Anyways, I didn’t know that Osa had formed a group of Mutineers. Osa is a tall Bini man with a big head and 12 pimples on his face.
His group was made up of Ohimai, who is my in-law but graying very badly. He can not see very well, and Theo, who drives Okada all over Ijora with Jacket Pele, gave to him in 1960’s, being appointed secretary of the group of plotters
Their goal was clear. Move in and take The Duke out of his own group. Democratize the admin structure and put in a democracy in the group and from there start snatching peoples girlfriends.
It was a sinister plot meant to be bloodless and precise. Within 5 minutes, Edgar would have been thrown out, and sanity brought back.
So that morning, in my usual all conquering way, I fell into their well laid trap. I called someone- fucking.
Immediately, Osa jumped. He was not wearing undies. ‘‘Edgar how can you call such a distinguished member fucking,’’ he screamed like Vatsa.
Before I could say anything, Theo chimed in. ‘‘Edgar, you can not say that to a distinguished member.’’ Then Ohimai added, ‘‘Edgar, you know you are my in-law you need to step down.’’
The plot was underway. There was no going back for the plotters. They had played their cards, and I must react in my usual Abacha style.
‘‘Osa, you are a fool. How dare you. Ohimai, I will wring your stupid neck and Theo, I will release your nude so that the world can see your little pecker.’’
Osa very calmly said, ”Edgar please suspend yourself. That was a great polka move by Osa. He must have borrowed it from his kinsman Lawrence Anini, the great train robber.
By this time, the rest of the house was quiet and fearful. Ife Fashola, the brilliant investment banker, had muted herself and Usman, the great s3x tea merchant had left the group.
Hon. Chike Ogeah calls me. Edgar, these people no be your friends, why den dey do this to you. I say Oga calm down. You go soon see blood on the dance floor. No be today.
As an elder statesman, he climbed the podium. Guys, guys, guys, relax. Edgar is a crazy boy, but he means well.
Osa, the leader of the bandits, responded. NO Oga Chike, he has to be suspended.
At this point, I decided to stoop to conquer. I rose to give my Julius Caesar speech to friends, brothers, and fellow artisans, I….
Olumide Ohunayo, who I have known from primary school when he used to run around naked in the rain, just screamed – Duke just gooooo
I looked at him the way Julius Caesar looked at Brutus or was it Cassius, but unlike Ceaser, I didn’t say ‘and you too?’
I said,’ Olumide ko ni da fun e’, a great philosophical statement that Tinubu borrowed from me to use on Aregbesola recently.
That was how I was suspended from my own group o. But that was not the end o.
They moved towards the battalion headquarters manned by Nelson. You see, always put your blood in your strongest hold.
Nelson, Edgar has been suspended. Please hand over the group. Drop as admin and appoint Ohimai and Olumide as administrator, the plotters railed.
The plan for them was to expel me, change the name of the group from Duke Summit to Osa’s Hole and then turn it into a lottery republic where they will be gambling on Arsenal and other such mundane activities
They didn’t gamble on Nelson. Nelson was a weather bitten general. He had suffered through a lot of STDs, which had strengthened his resolve.
Na me, dey hold him antibiotics. So his loyalty to me was 100%.
He rebuffed the plotters and reached out to me for instructions.
I say. Threaten Osa with him nudes. He go fear. The other ones go panic run and put me back on the group and cancel my suspension.
Nelson now went on the group and made a broadcast. .. guys in the last 24 hours, a group of disloyal troops had attempted a forceful takeover of leadership on the group.
I Nelson Umo Etuk cousin to the Duke and inheritor of all his women when he dies have repelled the mutiny.
As I speak, Osa and his band of merry men were sighted in Ijora under bridge, licking their wounds in defeat…
The Duke has been brought back on the group and a special military tribunal set up to try all accomplices and appropriate penalties delivered.
Gen Diya would be appointed as consultant to the Tribunal.
You have nothing to fear except you have refused Duke’s love advances, then you better join Osa in Ijora, Nelson concludes with martial music playing .
26 members out of the 250 members ran into exile with Osa.
Folarin was appointed to infiltrate the Osa group and bring back info, and he did a swell job…
Duke Ife don join them. Usman dey here and with them too. Jonathan dey there and Ken sef dey here and there.
I replied, “Leave them…. dem all no get sense as long as oga Chike, Dele Momodu, Shaka Momodu and Davidson the latest Thisday Editor still dey with us, dem go come back.
True to my words, Ife was sent in tears to come and beg for re-admittance..
I asked for 6 virgins, Asiwaju’s pubic hair and a letter of apology duly signed by the President-elect to Ambode before I can reconsider…
Life is for winners
*Nb all characters are real, and the event described happened. Come and beat me*
Thank you
*Duke of Shomolu*
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