So, I woke up with a bad pain in my right eye the other day and thought nothing of it. By afternoon, it had morphed into a serious matter, so I called my eye doctor who asked that I go get an eye drop and use it until I could see her.
I went in the next day and the diagnosis was easy. She said it was inviatus or something like that. I am not sure I got the spelling right.
She said it could be from trauma that is if I was hit in the eye or stress or BP or from an infection in the body or just like that.
So, we eliminated all the causes and were left with BP and viral infection in the body and a cause of treatment was prescribed.
Three days later, it was getting worse. The right eye had started being hazy and I couldn’t see well with it. All the four eyedrops were not doing anything and she suggested I went to do a full body check to see if there was any infection lurking in the body.
I went to trusted Dr Nwabuoko who says,’ Edgar, we have been managing the BP lifestyle but if you keep recording these numbers we may have to put you on the pill’.
I say Dr but the thing will kill my thing. And he says No. That there are drugs now that will do the job and not affect your thing.
I say na lie. That is what you will say, when it happens now, you will say sorry. Mbok, let’s keep doing the *Friska tea* and exercises and watching our diet and see how it goes.
So we agreed to a two week trial after which we came again. He now said he will do the ECG and that with the numbers, my heart would have expanded by now.
Surprisingly, the heart was perfect. An Akwa ibom heart, supported by bouts of Afang cannot weak like that o, when no be stew dem use bring me up.
Every other test came out perfect. I was healthy and strong like a mule. But the eye refused to go.
At this point, I am thinking that it’s APC. So I head back to the eye Dr who continues with the eyedrops. By this time the eye is becoming hazy and I can’t really see with it.
Then she said,’ if not because your results came out well, I would have said maybe it’s HIV.
My heart sank. HiV? Duke of Shomolu with HIV? I asked her what the correlation was. She said that viral infections at times manifest in the eye.
I say, ‘ I have died. My political enemies will laugh at me. HIV? But she said, I was far from it.
But as a well known hypochondriac, the thing had entered my mind and stayed there. What if it was HIV, I kept asking myself. How did I get infected, look at me fearing Covid not knowing that a major enemy was at the door.
So I went home and kept on shooting the eyedrops and looking into my eye to see if there was any improvement but nothing.
Friday morning, the pain was like someone put a nail in my eye and was hammering it. I said to myself, that with this kind of pain, I won’t be able to go to Abeokuta for the strategy session.
So that morning, I called my friend Dahunsi who lives on top of an eye clinic in Yaba. I remembered that I had gone there at some point for a check up to see if I had glaucoma.
He said they opened at 9am. My train was leaving for noon. I asked for the Drs. numbers and he gave me.
I called her and thankfully, she picked. We spoke and from my descriptions and the drugs I was taking it was clear it was the same thing the other military doctor had said was the matter.
She said I should go to the clinic so they can check the pressure in the eye. If the pressure was low then I couldn’t travel but if it was ok, I could go and come back on Monday for a comprehensive check.
I went and saw a very beautiful young doctor. She put my eye inside like seven machines. All powerful and top grade machines and then she will bring one thing into my eye and lean into me and I will be smelling her perfume and I will say, please look well o.
Then after it all. She asked for the results of my test and I showed her. She said I was 70% well and that I could go on the trip but I had to do an *xyz* test when I came back.
I called her. I said, sister please what is the xyz test. She said HIV. I said is that what you are suspecting? She said no but we need not rule it out.
I said I have died. HIV? I am the head of the family. The Edgar clan are over 34 and growing, how can I have HIV, they will overthrow me o.
I said to the Dr, I don’t have HIV, leave the eye. I will go to Redeemed Camp. It will be ok. I will drink holy water from ori oke. Don’t worry. I am not doing any tests.
She said ok. They gave me some tablets and told me to take 12 pills at the same time.
I said why? Is that not too much. they say they are steroids and will help with the pain. I said ok o.
I thereafter rushed to the train station still in pain to start the coordination after which I now took the 12 tablets at a go and got my driver who is now my temporary optician to administer the eye drops.
I felt instant relief. The pain had disappeared but the eye was still apollo red and the haze was still there. It’s ok, we will manage as I glean at the ever beautiful Vanessa Obioha of Thisday come on the platform.
Still haunted by HIV? I called my Dr Nwabuoko and said to him bro , why are these people talking about HIV with your brother?
He says, ‘Edgar do the test for all its worth. I have not seen any indication but its routine. I say bro,’ I no do. When Buhari go we go do but for now. NO.
He laughed and said, there is a linkage but I don’t think this is the issue in your case but get them comfortable and do.
I dropped the phone and said,’ kai, this doctor no want tell me say I get o. Kai. Where will I start from? I have not even written my will. Who will I hand over my GTB debt to?
If I give that Etekamba, he will curse me o. Where did HIV come and enter my life?
So in the morning, I called the consultant eye Dr and said, madam talk to me like a man, do you think I have HIV?
She said no but the steroids they are giving me, if my immunity is compromised, it will mess me up and that’s why they need the test so that they know the dosage they will give me.
I said ok, I have taken 24 since yesterday so if I had HIV maybe by now I will be drinking tea with my mother in heaven explaining why I didn’t serve her cousins enough palmwine at her burial.
She said, well you have your answer there but I still think you should do the test. I say ma, you don’t know me o. I have principles. I will not do it.
Monday, I went into the clinic a psychological wreck. My resolve had been totally weakened and I was ready for anything.
We went on for all the tests. They put my eye on over seven machines and the result wasn’t exciting. The thing had entered the middle of my eye and made the haze worse.
I had to go on very very strong steroids for three weeks every 2 hours to combat it and she was not ruling out a viral infection.
Then she went into their usual talk- even if you are positive, you can still live a good life, you can still impregnate a woman and we can keep the viral load at a point that the test will be showing negative.
I say, ‘ my sister if you don’t stop I will kick you. I am a traditional title chief holder and cannot have HIV. I am an Elder in the church and as such this cannot be mentioned.
I love widows, I eat Afang and I am a theater producer and failed stockbroker. Where do you see a man with such a profile will now have HIV?
Please give me drugs make I dey go. I will soon report you people now or yab you with WhatsApp post. Abi you don’t know that my WhatsApp post is lethargic?
She said ok. Gave me my drugs and said I should come and see her on Monday.
That whole day, I will just be looking at people and be envying them. Young girls will be staring at me and liking me, I will say in my mind these ones want to shag HIV.
Some women will be calling me,’ Duke how are you na. When are we having lunch. I will say I’ll let you know but I will say in my mind, these ones don’t know that I can kill them with a common spit.
That is how last night Dr Nwabuoko called and said he wanted to check on me. I say bro, please do you have a working mortuary in your hospital because I dey come inspect just in case.
He laughs and says what are they saying and I tell him and he says for all its worth, you are NEGATIVE.
I say what did you say? He said your HIV test came back negative. I say how and he said, he had run all the tests since the eye Dr had given a list of all the tests to run and the HIV was negative and he felt he should tell me because he did it last since I was very afraid of doing it and that is why the result didn’t come out with the rest.
I never believed in my life that I would call a Biafra man my brother. I jumped out of bed and said, Dr I will recommend you for a national honour.
So now, I have eliminated the last expected cause and according to Dr, it’s looking like I am among the very few who used to catch this wicked disease just like that. Body imbalance and the good thing is that if I escape this one, it will never catch me again since I don’t have a tear in the eye.
So now, my people na so I dey waka around with my temporary driver cum optician dey put eye drop for eye every two hours.
I want piss, driver go put drip, I want do meeting, driver go enter office put drop, I want buy shoe, driver go enter put drop, I want pursue woman, driver go say wait sir.
I am beginning to enjoy the thing sef as I come dey look forward to the drips. Mbok make I no go add another addiction to my life o.
Kai
*Duke of Shomolu*
