Opinion article by Duke of Shomolu, Joseph Edgar
I can get scared of anything that has to do with health and tests. My fear is almost ridiculous that those around me used to get irritated. But that is their problem, is it their fear?
I had refused to travel as a result of all these covid tests they have been doing everywhere. I have never done covid test in my life and only did it by proxy.
So my son will do each time he goes back to school and my colleagues at work will do. When their results come out, that is my result.
Well on this trip, I got one of the best travel agents in the world. Phoebe was simply marvelous on this trip. She organized me from Shomolu to Dubai to London and back without me lifting a finger.
My own na to bath and move. Cars waiting at each airport, superb hotels, lovely food and she called me regularly to find out how everything was going.
In Dubai, I said phoebe, this covid thing, how we go dodge am? She say no worry, you don’t need covid test to enter Dubai and London na to come back you need.
Nigeria own must different. We don’t know how to stop. The whole world has stopped the scam o but we still dey continue with the 7 people that have been testing positive daily.
They made me pay N57k for a day two test when I come back to Lagos and I have to do another test in London to take off.
That is how I call my boy Seun who just migrated and is doing well in London to come take my first ever covid test.
He booked the thing and we drove down to the terminal 3 venue of the test. The Indian man wanted to use cotton wool on top of the stick to kill me.
He said ‘open’. I opened and he pierced the thing inside my mouth and nostril. By this time, I had started palpitating and Seun was laughing at me.
I said, I will slap you stop laughing. He said, Duke , you are a coward. My people when I was little to give me injection na WWF o. Like 12 nurses have to hold me down. I used to carry them and nack dem on the floor and run naked with my tiny dick dangling and people would be laughing.
As a child, I once fainted from the smell of castor oil. I fainted and they rushed me to hospital. Just the smell o…
Na him Seun come carry me come meet one Indian man who covers himself like Egyptian mummy come dey tell me say open ya mouth.
That was the first trauma. The second trauma na the long wait for the result. I am not myself o. Fear had paralyzed me. I even wrote an article about fear yesterday.
I was just walking around London like a zombie. Even the beautiful girls no interest me again. As people were looking and calling me Idris Elba, I say see mumu people, I will just give you covid.
Seun by now was iritatied, coach, I have to go. I am sure he had nowhere to go o. He just didn’t want to be near my depressed self.
I say gerrout! Me that I will soon jump inside the River Thames when the results come out.
I went to see my brother Ini Ememobong, Akwa Ibom, Commissioner for Information and his very beautiful wife who gave me a big bowl of Afang with 12 pieces of meat. I ate and laughed with them
Then I asked my bro. Please dey say my covid test will come out at 10pm and my flight is 8.30pm. They all shouted aghhhh!
I say mbok let me finish this Afang before I lose my temper. Phoebe had put me inside an Indian hotel and the Indian food just be like saw dust.
I called Phoebe, she say aghhh. I call my brother he say aghhhh, I call Lami he say aghhhh.
I don die o. Stranded in London. No woman, no Afang, wetin bring me come. Cold is finishing the last of my something. By this time the thing don turn to dot. The kind dot wey buhari call Igbo people.
They say I shouldn’t worry. That if by this morning, it didn’t come they will arrange a quick 4 hour test for me.
By morning I was beside myself with fear. I don wake Phoebe up for Lagos. I say whoever is on top of you make he climb down this is major.
Apologise to the bobo you need to get me a night bus because I no stay again.
I start to call the oyinbo people. They say there is nothing they can do. I start to miss corruption. If na Naija I for don call somebody and ‘pronto’ this thing for resolve.
They would have brought the lab to my hotel. You see why me I like corruption at times.
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I say my Peter oyinbo, do you understand my situation. He says yes but it’s policy. I say my brother, what can we do? Sort this thing out and come and meet me at Leonardo let me take care of you. Phone drop.
The mumu drop phone on me o. That is how my friend called them again and they advised her to tell me to go do another test that will come out in 4 hours.
So in less than 20hours, I will spend N123k for a test to find out if I have a disease that has never killed one Akwa Ibom man.
Wetin carry me come this London, I am just shouting. That is how I went to the airport, pay the money another mumu put cotton wool in my mouth and another round of fear started again.
I cannot shop because if I test positive, I will need money to quarantine. Who will give me Afang here. Is it pizza that will boost my immunity? Which kind wahala be this na?
I entered my favourite Gucci shop last night to see wonders I cannot touch because I am saving money for quarantine.
By the time we got to the hotel. Chantal says,’ Joe why worry if you are positive, come and isolate in my room instead of spending money in a hotel.
I say thanks my daughter, I’ll quarantine at the Nigerian Embassy and give all of them to punish them for this yeye policy.
That is how the result notification came and my hands started to sweat. I say Chantal, it has come. I cannot shame for my pikin.
I say let me read Psalm 91. By this time I don forget the Islamic verse. I say ohhhh God please forgive your son. Let the covid catch me in Shomolu where we can drink ginger. Don’t let this thing catch me here.
And Lord, I am not sure if masturbation is a sin. But if it is a sin please forgive me. Na loneliness.
Just then Chantal opened the thing and said, Joe you just wasted money- this is yesterday’s result.
I say if I slap you you will see your short mama. Is it your money. What is the result?
She smiled and said ‘Negative’. I say oya where is the nearest Gucci shop let me go and do thanksgiving.
Kai
*Duke of Shomolu*
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